


Things Herc and Chuck Hansen are no longer allowed to do:

by Azilver



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-26
Updated: 2014-02-21
Packaged: 2017-12-30 13:53:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1019401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azilver/pseuds/Azilver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A list of rules resulting from Hansen shenanigans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Can be read as Hansencest or not.
> 
> I loooove these sort of not!fics and decided to give it a go. Suggestions for rules are always welcome!

Things Herc and Chuck Hansen are no longer allowed to do:

1\. You are allowed a dog.

2\. You are allowed ONE dog, ONE.

3\. No cats.

4\. No more dogs, cats, birds, rodents, reptiles or other small animals.

5\. NO ANIMALS (except Max)

6\. Put your shirt back on Herc. You to Chuck.

7\. We don’t care how hot it is. You’re Australian, buck up.

8\. We don’t care if the rest of the staff signed a petition, you’re too distracting, it’s a safety matter!

9\. Neither Hansen is allowed to take their shirts off outside of their quarters.

10\. Except for putting on their drive suits (you knew what we meant!)

11\. Chuck, please stop playing coy with the new guys (do you want your dad to kill someone?)

12\. Herc, that wasn’t permission and you know it.

13\. Stop trying to get Raleigh in trouble, Chuck.

14\. “Because he’s too friendly” is no excuse to tell Herc that Raleigh was inappropriate with you.

15\. No one else enjoys Herc on a rampage.

16\. Because he’s fucking terrifying, that’s why.

17\. Stop challenging people to drinking contests!

18\. No, Chuck, we won’t ban people sending fan letters.

19\. Even just the ones sent to Herc.

20\. No, not even when they contain panties, photos and … other things.

21\. Stop stealing the mail!

22\. You are not allowed to attempt to drift with non-humans.

23\. Max counts

24\. You are not allowed to put a sound system in Striker’s conpod.

25\. So it will play “wicked tracks” while you “kick Kaiju ass”, is not a good reason to.

26\. The LoCCent will not play ‘Waltzing Matilda”, “Another One Bites the Dust”, or “We Will Rock You” while you “kick Kaiju ass”.

27\. The LoCCent will not play any music while you “kick Kaiju ass”.

28\. Stop telling everyone your dad gave you a “Golden Gaytime”, it isn’t funny. The media are freaking out.

29\. You may not make modifications to your battle armour.

30\. It’s supposed to be “bog standard”.

31\. So it will be “Ace, bonzer, grouse, mallee bull, ripper, or spiffy” is not an excuse.

32\. We are not having a prank war.

33\. Stop with the pranks!

34\. STOP ALREADY!

35\. Newt Dr Geizsler does not appreciate you calling his boyfriend a “gangster”

36\. We know he is, but we need his Kaiju guts, so be nice.

37\. Stop using only Aussie slang, we know you speak perfectly good English.

38\. Stop telling people you have “drop bears”, they aren’t real.

39\. Vegemite is not a necessary expense.

40\. Neither are Aeros, Tim Tams, Doritos or Milo.

41\. Football is not “Rugby for wusses”.

42\. Max is not a traitor for liking Raleigh, he just likes the guy because he gives him so many treats.

43\. No, you can’t replace him as your mascot.

44\. No, not even with a Tasmanian Devil.

45\. Where the hell did you get one?!?!? They’re freaking endangered!

46\. The Hansen’s are no longer allowed to go drinking with the Russians.

47\. Or allowed to take part in drinking games or contests. Refer to rule 17.

48\. We don’t care if they insulted your “Australian-ness”, don’t do it.

49\. Why do you have a koala in your quarters? Actually, refer to rule 5!

50\. Tendo wants his copy of “The Unit” back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another few rules due to Hansen shenanigans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> might start making some fic references and taking suggestions (any suggestions for rules are totally welcome!), so keep an eye out ;D

51\. You may not commandeer the kitchen to bake cookies.

52\. IF the cooks allow you to use the kitchens to bake cookies you must share them.

53\. With everyone.

54\. You are no longer allowed to play paintball in the Jaeger hangars.

55\. This includes your pit crew.

56\. Shooting things in the face is NOT a good idea.

57\. No, you may not go crocodile wrestling.

58\. Pizza is not a foodgroup.

59\. Neither is beer.

60\. The Hansens are no longer allowed to play “strip poker”.

61\. Herc, stop glaring at people who flirt with Chuck.

62\. No growling either.

63\. You may not in any way intimidate them. He’s a grown man ffs!

64\. Chuck, stop egging him on. Seriously, what is wrong with you?

65\. Your pit crew don’t all need Striker Eureka tattoos. You are not a cult.

66\. Mandatory psychological evaluations are mandatory.

67\. Of course they think you’re co-dependent! You do everything, EVERYTHING, together!

68\. THAT’S THE 3RD PSYCHOLOGIST THIS MONTH!!!!!!! STOP FUCKING WITH THEM!!!!!

69\. You may not do a victory dance or pelvic thrust whilst in Striker Eureka.

70\. Stop talking in sync, it’s creepy.

71\. We know it’s your 18th birthday, Chuck, stop grinning and announcing it to everyone.

72\. Put down the cricket bat, Herc.

73\. What the PR department says goes.

74\. Yes, even the kilts.

75\. Stop asking Mako to teach you to swear in Japanese.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More rules for the Hansens!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keep an eye out, I am always taking suggestions and may even ref a fic or two ;D
> 
> EDIT: Sirius did [this](http://siriusdrawsthed.tumblr.com/image/67145579230) amazing art for rule 89! very very hot!

76\. You are not allowed to fire someone just because you don’t like them.

77\. Even if you suspect they are Kaiju cultists.

78\. Being right once does not negate rule 76.

79\. That shark doesn’t need a punch in the nose, Chuck. CHUCK. Goddammit.

80\. Beer is not to be drunk in staff meetings.

81\. Staff meetings aren’t for naps, Chuck. Why do you even need naps?

82\. Herc, Striker isn’t the answer to everything.

83\. Stop replacing Herc’s henleys with Raleigh’s sweaters, Chuck. While we can appreciate the drop in incidences of accidental injury, Raleigh’s complaints are getting annoying.

84\. Are we going to have to ban alcohol from you two?

85\. Whoever put the Kaiju parasite in Raleigh’s bed, remove it. NOW.

86\. Kama sutra patterned bowties, no.

87\. We don’t care if Tendo liked it, it’s unprofessional.

88\. Chuck Hansen is banned from ever entering Raleigh Becket’s quarters. Ever. You know why.

89\. Body shots. Off each other. In public. What the fuck is wrong with you two???? Do you want the program shut down?

90\. The Tri Nations does not supersede staff meetings. 

91\. Chuck, you are not allowed to replace Raleigh’s shampoo with hair dye. In fact, refer to rule 88.

92\. We don’t care if you got Mako to do it! Mako, what the hell?

93\. “It smells funny.” Is not an excuse.

94\. While we can sympathise with the lack of “sexy” male Halloween costumes, Chuck, that does not mean you have to wear a female one.

95\. Hercules Hansen is not allowed to punch out anyone who asks his son if he “wants to lick my lollipop”.

96\. Chuck Hansen is not allowed to punch out anyone who asks his father if he “would like to see under the ‘mask’”.

97\. Hansens. Explosives. Never. Again.

98\. Whatever you two were doing last night, keep it down next time. 

99\. Whatever you two bastards did to Raleigh, thanks, we had to coax him out of a supply closet this morning muttering about nightmares and Striker. Just so you know, whatever it was, he’s scarred for life.

100\. You may not adopt Mako so you can be the Terrific Trio.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These Hansens and their shenanigans!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm running out of ideas! Any of your own rules, please submit and you'll get credit!

101\. Herc, stop poking Chuck’s dimples. Seriously.

102\. Chuck, we know you’re an adult, start acting like it.

103\. If Herc kills someone because of you, we’re going to let the authorities do as they please.

104\. The shatterdome psychologist would like to thank the both of you for all the work you’ve sent her way.

105\. Stop betting the triplets you can climb higher than them- the next time one of them gets stuck, we’re sending you up after him.

106\. While we appreciate your concern, you cannot sue people for making badly edited porn images of you. We have a department for that.

107\. A department to handle the legal side of things.

108\. Why does your pit crew keep challenging other crews saying “There can be only one”?

109\. Whoever put Max in the cutesy getup, run for it. Hansen’s, don’t maim them too much.

110\. What part of ‘International Heroes’ do you two idiots not understand?

111\. Whatever you did with the engine grease, two watermelons and the Encyclopaedia Britannica- undo it.

112\. Herc, no. you may not arrange ‘Outback training sessions’ for the newbies,

113\. We want to toughen them up, not kill/traumatise them.

114\. We know you. That’s why.

115\. “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, Oi, Oi!” is not an appropriate way to find each other, especially in front of the Admiral.

116\. Your pit crew may not challenge the newly appointed head of acquisitions to a ‘duel to the death’.

117\. You may not replace Striker’s first aid supplies with beer.

118\. (Or Cherno’s with Vodka, stop sharing your ideas with the Russians!)

119\. Vulcan Spectre is not a euphemism.

120\. Deployment is not based on who gets there first!

121\. Why is there an entire crate of Jelly Bean Factory in the lobby?

122\. Seriously, if we get one more complaint about bar fights and you assholes…!

123\. Why is the Marshall’s office filled with green and gold balloon?

124\. Those weren’t balloons.

125\. There is no ‘Fight Club’. First rule, bitches.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By now you'd think they'd realise never to let the Hansens get bored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Failed-to-Deanon for the suggestions! :D  
> more are always welcom.

126\. Raleigh isn’t a puppy, stop petting him.

127\. You may not use extra Striker parts to make an alcohol still.

128\. Neither may your crew.

129\. Max is not an attack dog. Stop trying to train him to attack on command.

130\. He’s rolls of flab and drool!

131\. There is no “Bat Dog”.

132\. Everything to do with Striker is already marked as such, stop ‘decorating’ everything with your shield.

133\. Your influence has spread. If you don’t stop the Kaidonovsky’s, the Wei’s and whoever else from tagging everything we’re taking the money for cleaning all that spray-paint off of everything out of your budget.

134\. Oh for… that was not a challenge!

135\. The canteen cooks are not trying to insult you by refusing to buy/use vegemite.

136\. Just because the mashed potatoes have ‘the consistency of clay’ does not make it acceptable to use them as projectiles in the mess!

137\. The Wei’s would like you to know that after what you did to their basketball they have declared war on you two. We would like you to know that security and management wash their hands of this shit.

138\. Mako is not an unofficial member of team Striker Eureka. The Marshall will kill you if she gets the tattoo.

139\. When we said you could order some salties, we meant the cracker! What the actually fuck?!?!?!

140\. What the hell is ‘knifey-spooney’ and what does it have to do with training????

141\. You cannot refuse to go on the Arctic Training sessions.

142\. We’re sure you’re ‘junk’ will survive, that’s what thermal underwear is for.

143\. Of course the Russians called you ‘pussies’- did you forget they live up there?!?

144\. If PR want Christmas sweater shots, they will get Christmas sweater shots.

145\. Burning the Christmas sweaters only makes PR more eager.

146\. Whoever put the spider in Chuck’s suit- run.

147\. You may not haze new members of your crew with drinking contests (FFS Rule17!).

148\. Or vegemite eating contests.

149\. You may not haze new members of your crew!

150\. WHO THE FUCK LET YOU TWO NEAR FIREWORKS!!!!!!!!!?

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction using characters from Pacific Rim. I do not claim any ownership of the characters or world, I am just borrowing them and this story is for entertainment only and is not part of the official story line.


End file.
